Faith is a funny thing these days. In my heart I know that Emma's stillbirth was not some kind of punishment or thing I could have prevented by thinking or doing something differently, but its hard to translate that to my brain, especially when there are so many unanswered questions.
I find myself praying for our future children, and as I am I suddenly fear that I am leaving room for some loophole that God will see and take advantage of. That its not good enough for me to pray that we will have another child, that I must clarify a living child, a child of our own, a child that I carry to full term in my own body, or any other crazy scenario I want to guard against. When I talk about having our second child I feel fear that God will think I am expecting something of him and I should be more humble, not just assuming we will be blessed with a second child.
I don't think that's the God I've known all my life, but then again I didn't think that God would deliver my lifeless child into my arms.
What a mess. It seems like God and I need to come to an agreement still.