Today was hard. I am never a fan of Mondays anyway (who is?) but now they are even worse. Monday means putting my mask back on, using every bit of strength I have to fit myself back into the routine that is life, making sure that I am good at my job and loving on these kinder babies all while knowing I can't love on mine, putting one foot in front of the other.
This morning someone who did not know Emma was stillborn came into my classroom and asked to see pictures of her. That was the first time it had happened, and it felt like someone had knocked the air out of me. In a way I was almost glad it happened though. Every one is so careful around me (which I truly do appreciate) but saying it out loud felt like I was doing Emma justice, acknowledging her life and in turn her death.
It's so hard parenting a stillborn baby. This blog has been one of the ways I have been helping myself grieve. I have a few other ideas swimming around in my head too. Those who know me know I like a project. I thrive on taking on responsibility and attacking a project no matter how big. I kind of have an annoying need to accomplish things.
I've been brainstorming a bit about a way I can continue to share Emma with the world, and how I can reach out to other parents who have just lost a baby to stillbirth. How I would have loved to feel like there was someone else out there in the world who knew what I was going through when I was in the hospital waiting to give birth to my stillborn daughter. I don't want other people to feel lost like we did.
I don't want to put my ideas out there just yet until I figure out if and what I truly want to do, and how I am going to go about it, but little Miss Emma Clair may have her very own non-profit one day. If you're the praying kind, in addition to all the prayers we already need, I would ask that you pray about this. That the path we are meant to take for our own healing and the healing of others would be revealed to us.