Faith is a funny thing these days. In my heart I know that Emma's stillbirth was not some kind of punishment or thing I could have prevented by thinking or doing something differently, but its hard to translate that to my brain, especially when there are so many unanswered questions.
I find myself praying for our future children, and as I am I suddenly fear that I am leaving room for some loophole that God will see and take advantage of. That its not good enough for me to pray that we will have another child, that I must clarify a living child, a child of our own, a child that I carry to full term in my own body, or any other crazy scenario I want to guard against. When I talk about having our second child I feel fear that God will think I am expecting something of him and I should be more humble, not just assuming we will be blessed with a second child.
I don't think that's the God I've known all my life, but then again I didn't think that God would deliver my lifeless child into my arms.
What a mess. It seems like God and I need to come to an agreement still.
Oh friend...I am so sorry for all of these fears. You are o to second guess everything. It is so hard to put faith into anything or anyone after you have been through such a tragic event. You and Britt are meant to be parents to a living child and I pray so much that you have that chance. Although Emma was never alive outside of your womb, she is so lucky to have you both. Try...as hard as it is...to stay faithful and hopeful. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteSweet Sarah,
DeletePlease know that God does not punish us in any way, even though it may feel that way. You did not do anything "wrong"! I do understand how your brain takes you there. There is some reason why this happened and you may not know what that reason is, but your strength and wisdom are already evident.
I, too, pray that you will be blessed with a second child that you can hold in your arms as you hold Emma strongly in your heart.
I grieve with you and I hold you and Britt in my prayers daily!
Kelly
I wrote a comment to this twice on 2 different days because this really spoke to me, but my work computer kept stopping it from going through. I have been praying similar things. My faith and perspective have changed too. How could it not? But hopefully God is working on turning that into something better and stronger than the faith we had before.
ReplyDeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteI do not know how you feel or understand your grief and I do not know God's design or plans, but I do believe, that He knows your heart and your grief and He knows that when you pray for each little detail that you are simply afraid. And, that is okay. It is written in the Bible, I believe more often than anything else, "Do not be afraid." But... that is so very hard. If you are still praying for each detail of a healthy pregnancy and baby, well, I don't see any harm in it if it makes you feel more connected to God. I pray very specifically for many things, and yes, especially for my kids. It is what we do as mothers. We worry over every detail and we pray for every detail. God knows your heart and the fact that you go to Him in prayer for your second child, well... that speaks volumes into your heart for the rest of us. Your faith is shining through, even if you don't think so at times. In your grief, your doubts, your fear... your light is shining to those of us who have the honor to catch a glimpse.