Sunday, August 31, 2014

Truths About Pregnancy After Loss

It is getting harder as I go. I started off if not positive, at least content. Now the anxiety and grief are becoming more overwhelming. The pain of Emma's death has become more raw again as I look ahead to the birth of this baby.

I am still jealous of other pregnant women. Most of them are the naively joyful ones. The ones who have not been touched by death. I wish I could be her again.

I still can't be around other babies. Your living baby reminds me of mine who died. The next baby I will hold or coo over will be my own.

No matter what I love and want this baby girl more than anything, but that doesn't mean that I am always "excited" or "engaged" in this pregnancy. Sometimes for my sanity I need to power through the day, and that means not spending a lot of energy thinking about being pregnant. That feels horrible to say. It scares me and feels like bad juju, but that's the reality of pregnancy after loss.

In the same moment, I feel this little girl moving inside me and I get so happy and hopeful and thankful for her precious little beating heart. I am an emotional yo-yo most of the time.

I am really resentful that I am already a mother but for all intent and purpose I will be a "first-time" mom once this baby is born. Friends and relatives will want to offer advice and give opinions on parenting. When I'm up in the middle of the night with no clue what to do, there will be others out there that will know the answers. I should know the answers, and I'm angry that I don't. To be honest, as of right now I don't want anyone's advice and I'm not going to ask for it. I just can't. I feel like it invalidates me as a mother.

And most of all, I hope beyond anything and everything, that this time I get to bring a living baby home.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Shirt

This is the shirt I've decided I need to get made to wear every day for the remainder of my pregnancy:

Can you tell what kinds of comments and questions I have been getting from random strangers (and some not strangers)? I'm not sure when it became okay to ask or say whatever you want to a pregnant woman, who may be an absolute stranger to you. Rude much?

Well, rant over, on a positive note we saw our high-risk doctor again this morning. That means we got another peek at baby girl and even got to see her in 4D (basically 3D in real time). She was moving and grooving and (despite the overly large size of my belly in the opinion of some) she was measuring right on track for 23 weeks 3 days gestation, at 1 lb. 5 oz. We got some 3D pictures and I love being able to see her sweet little face. I'm thinking she looks different than Emma. I need to get Emma's 3D ultrasound picture out and compare it to this baby girl.

For now time has slowed and I'm trying to keep on keeping on. Sending love and light to you mamas. xoxo