Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Grief that Simmers

I feel like recently my grief has changed its shape. I haven't felt like it is constantly bubbling up inside me and spilling out as it did for so long. Maybe it is integrating itself into my life. 

These days my grief feels more like a deep and constant ache. It is locked inside where it bounces around all day long. Sometimes it bubbles out, but mostly it simmers inside where the outside world can't see it. I'm not sure which is worse. Emotions that bubble out without warning, or emotions that feel like I'm the only one in the world who knows they're there. 

On November 2 it will be Emma's four month birthday. Its hard to believe it has been that long already. In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others it seems like it was an eternity ago. Most of the time though it feels like I am watching a movie and I still can't resolve the fact that Britt and I are the people in it.  A lot has happened in these last four months. One of the hard things has been watching the world slowly get back into its routine while Britt and I feel stuck where we are. Of course we don't expect people to stay in this dark hollow place with us, but its strange to see life go on seemingly as if nothing has happened. People and relationships get back into routines, daily rhythms continue, and life is going on. Sure its selfish, but part of me wants to shout STOP my daughter is still dead why is life going on, if I can't move on you shouldn't either. I realize that sounds terrible but its how I feel. This is a hard stage to be in.

I think that is one thing that feels so healing for me about starting Butterfly Wings. Knowing that anyone who buys one of our bracelets will be wearing Emma's butterfly around their wrist. Her memory will be carried by {hopefully} hundreds of people around the country. As her mommy that makes me so happy. Flutter on sweet girl, we love you! 

1 comment:

  1. I love you, friend. Please know that you can let your grief bubble out in front of me anytime you need to. Unfortunately the world goes on around each of us no matter what our struggle is. I understand just a small piece of what you are feeling inside. It can be really hard to put on a smile and carry on trying to feel like the life you are living isn't falling apart. We need to continue to pray for strength, hope, and the opportunity to not move on...but just a little bit forward. I can't wait to wear Emma's butterfly around my wrist each day!!!