Well I got a little behind and I'm okay with that. After all, Carly Marie gave us permission to only do what we were able and felt like. For once, I am not being an overachiever. ;)
#9 (music) and #10 (beliefs) are touched on in my post from last night, so I'm just going to go with that.
Today is #11, Triggers. Honestly this early on in my grief journey, what is not a trigger? Pregnant women, babies, anything baby related, pictures of myself pregnant, reaching milestones/holidays, Emma's room, Emma's clothes/toys/etc., my students accidentally calling me mommy before Mrs. Arthur, and the list goes on.
It depends on the day and my emotions, but it could be anything. Sometimes a trigger from one day won't bother me the next. I basically don't know what to expect, when to expect it, or how I will respond. A nice way to go through life, right? I feel like I am tip toeing around trying to protect myself at all times.
I find that triggers make me feel bad or sad but they don't cause a "griefburst" too often anymore. Days or moments when I am super emotional aren't usually triggered by anything, instead it is just my built up feelings and emotions coming to the surface. Some days I just wake up and feel like I'm going to lose it and I have to wait for the breakdown to come before I'm okay.
I know those "griefbursts"....good word. Sarah, your words are so well chosen. The toughest part is that after people say "I am sorry", they are over it, yet we who grieve with you for Emma won't ever be over it. We just will learn that we will have to live without her. One of the most true things I have heard lately is that as a parent we wake up each day and for the briefest moment, we forget about our loss and then BOOM, we remember and it HITS US HARD. And we live that grief over and over each morning. We will always be that parent...((HUGS)).ReplyDelete