Monday, January 27, 2014

Sorry, Not Sorry

I've been struggling with some strong feelings lately. As I've been working through them and deciding how to best convey what I have been feeling, I have also felt guilt. Guilt that I have been having such ugly thoughts. Then I realized, no, sorry, not sorry. I will own my feelings and not apologize for them.

I have been dealing with a lot of bitterness. I have always struggled with feeling jealous and sad when I see women who are pregnant or have babies, but lately I have been really angry and bitter.

Yesterday, there was a woman in Trader Joe's with her baby girl. When I saw the baby in her carrier and the mom talking to her and loving on her, I got mad. Really mad. I thought to myself, how dare you? How dare you be so naive and oblivious to what I am going through right here next to you. How dare you not realize that your baby could have been stillborn, that I am the 1 in 160 instead of you. How dare you have what I want and should have. How dare you. Upon hearing the news today of yet another person's baby coming safely and beautifully into the world, I thought, screw you.

I told you my thoughts were ugly. In the beginning I rationalized protected myself by thinking…don't get upset, you don't know that person's story. Maybe in a few years a newly bereaved mother will be looking at me the same way. Those thoughts are the more logical and gentle thoughts, but today they have escaped me. Today I want to give the world, and every happy family, the finger.

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