Today started out terribly. We have been dealing with our heating/cooling condenser unit that stopped running this week (thankfully we could still run our emergency heat and stay warm) and today was when it was going to be replaced. The unit is only 3 years old, so we were pretty bitter about it. Then my car had a dead battery this morning, I was running late, and I dropped my breakfast on the floor. Things were just not working out.
I was really angry and having a lot of snarky ugly thoughts. Thoughts towards God, like…What, was I getting back too much faith, you had to knock me down a few pegs?? Am I not relying on you enough yet?? Can't I get a break?!? All this and, oh right, my baby is dead too…F**K!!!!!! It was really bad. I felt like I was going to implode. I knew my thoughts were crazy and extreme, but logic didn't make them go away.
Then this afternoon, we got a phone call that the company who we have been working with to replace our condenser decided to look one more time at the unit and take it completely apart to look at all the pieces. Thankfully, they found a small short which was the main source of the problem. The technician was able to rewire it, replace the other burned up parts, and get it running again. All for a grand total of $475 instead of the "discounted" $1900 he was going to charge us for a new unit. With this, I had a little glimpse of Grace, and my crazy thoughts came back down a bit.
Fast forward to this evening, and as Britt is off getting my battery replaced in my car, I sit down to sort through the mail. I open up a bill from the perinatal doctor for $206. Immediately my mind starts spinning again…Are you serious?!?! Insurance is not going to cover the visit for a second opinion about my daughter's death?!?! 1 step forward and 2 steps back, F… you get the idea.
I called our insurance and talked with a representative who was very helpful and called the doctor's office for me. He found out that the office made a mistake in the way they coded the visit for insurance purposes, and it is going to be all taken care of. He ended the conversation with "have a blessed night." And there was my second glimpse of grace.
Now that I am back down out of my mania, I can say that I'm thankful to have a home with heat on this cold night. I am thankful to have a car, and insurance that allows me to see a specialist. I'm thankful for glimpses of Grace, and reminders that God is not against me, even if I sometimes feel like he is.
Have a blessed night, friends.