Wednesday, April 23, 2014

An Incurable Disease

That is what I feel like I have. A gut-wrenching, heart-breaking disease named grief. There is no cure. It does not heal or go away. It does change, however. Take on a new shape.

Much like an incurable disease, I have to learn to live with my grief, how to mold it to fit into my life. I have to learn the signs and symptoms of a flare-up, and how to best soothe my wounded soul when the aching becomes too much to bear.

Some days when I think about the future I get such a heavy heart. Yes, I know there will be happier times ahead. That God willing we will have more children, and will someday hear a child's laughter (and cries) in our home, but that doesn't change or take away from this grief. I will carry the heavy burden of grief over Emma's death every single day for the rest of my life. There are thousands of moments to come that will be filled with: I wonder, I wish, We should be, If only.

Right now, while this grief is so raw, that is so hard to comprehend. When my mind starts to spin in this way I have to stop and bring myself back to the present. I find it helpful to focus on small short term goals. At this moment I think how happy I am that tomorrow is Thursday and that means the weekend is almost here. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with hubby and puppy, and having an early birthday celebration with Britt, who turns 30 on Monday.

These small in-the-present moments are what get me through. Otherwise I start to spiral, to think about the years to come when Emma would have been starting kindergarten, graduating high school, going off to college, getting married, having her own children, and my grief begins to compound over and over until I can no longer bear it.

So, for this evening, I am focusing on the here and now--I'm getting some summer corn chowder on the stove and snuggling with this guy…

I guess I never introduced him, huh? We got Scooter (he's a Morkie) in January and its been a wild ride. He is almost five months old and such a love. I had a little experience with dogs and Britt had none, so there was a huge learning curve in the beginning. I'm sorry to say we had many days weeks when we thought, what have we done?!?! Now, Scooter is just one of the family. He has brought us back to life a little. He gives us purpose, and lots of snuggles and kisses! A puppy certainly isn't a cure for grief, or right for everyone, but he has been a happy addition to our lives.

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