So tonight I changed my Facebook profile picture. For a regular person that's no big deal, but for me it ended up creating a crazy flood of emotions. I chose a picture I had used before. It's one of my favorite pictures and it is a really happy memory for me.
This picture was taken last July at a family reunion in Clarion, Pennsylvania. We had the reunion at my great grandparents farm where my great aunt now lives. I have good memories of swinging on this tree swing on the farm when I was a child. At the reunion Britt and I walked down by the woods to the swing. I got on (even though my butt was practically scraping the ground) and Britt pushed me on the swing.
In the moments that I was swinging I felt so carefree and happy. I remember laughing and smiling and having the best time connecting the memories of my past to a new moment and memory.
After I changed my profile picture to this photograph my first instinct was to wish I could go back to being that person. That was such a happy time. Britt and I had just been on vacation to the beach, we were on a trip with my family for the reunion, and I was getting ready to go on a girl's trip to Las Vegas. I was also off of my birth control and we were getting ready to start trying to get pregnant. I had so much happiness and hope and excitement for the future. Now I look back at that person and I wonder who she was.
As soon as I have the thought that I want to rewind and go back to being that carefree (naive) person I get a reality check. No, I don't want to go back because that would mean erasing this past year. I absolutely loved being pregnant and I love being Emma's mommy. As painful as this is I wouldn't ever give those things back.
The truth is I am no longer that person in the picture and I never will be again. I have read so many things recently about finding your "new normal" that its becoming annoyingly cliche, but its true. I feel stuck now between the person I used to be and the person I have been forced to become. I feel like I need to get to know myself again and find my way.