Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Change

So tonight I changed my Facebook profile picture. For a regular person that's no big deal, but for me it ended up creating a crazy flood of emotions. I chose a picture I had used before. It's one of my favorite pictures and it is a really happy memory for me.

This picture was taken last July at a family reunion in Clarion, Pennsylvania. We had the reunion at my great grandparents farm where my great aunt now lives. I have good memories of swinging on this tree swing on the farm when I was a child. At the reunion Britt and I walked down by the woods to the swing. I got on (even though my butt was practically scraping the ground) and Britt pushed me on the swing.

In the moments that I was swinging I felt so carefree and happy. I remember laughing and smiling and having the best time connecting the memories of my past to a new moment and memory.

After I changed my profile picture to this photograph my first instinct was to wish I could go back to being that person. That was such a happy time. Britt and I had just been on vacation to the beach, we were on a trip with my family for the reunion, and I was getting ready to go on a girl's trip to Las Vegas. I was also off of my birth control and we were getting ready to start trying to get pregnant. I had so much happiness and hope and excitement for the future. Now I look back at that person and I wonder who she was.

As soon as I have the thought that I want to rewind and go back to being that carefree (naive) person I get a reality check. No, I don't want to go back because that would mean erasing this past year. I absolutely loved being pregnant and I love being Emma's mommy. As painful as this is I wouldn't ever give those things back.

The truth is I am no longer that person in the picture and I never will be again. I have read so many things recently about finding your "new normal" that its becoming annoyingly cliche, but its true. I feel stuck now between the person I used to be and the person I have been forced to become. I feel like I need to get to know myself again and find my way.


  1. I am sure that was a very hard and emotional thing to do today, friend. I am so proud of your strength and the huge mountains you have overcome this week. I know it isn't easy and isn't what you should be feeling or going through. I just want you to know how fabulous I think you are and how much I love our friendship. You are wonderful inside and always have been and always will be. Even through this tragic moment in your life.

  2. No matter what, you will always and forever be my sister who I love and adore. You and Britt are such inspirations to me everyday, and I'm so lucky to be able to call you both my Brother and Sister (in law). That will never change. And I love being Emma's auntie...that will never change, too.

    I love you,

  3. Sarah, you were beautiful before your angel went to heaven (of course), but there is something even more stunningly gorgeous about you now. You're courage, strength, and ability to be so genuine as you grief is amazing and adds so much to your already beautiful soul.

  4. Hi Sarah. I came across a picture you posted on IG and it lead me to your blog. My daughter was born in March and passed away within the hour of her birth. I have had this conversation with myself so many times since her passing...who am I? Thank you for sharing!

    1. I'm so sorry that you too know this pain. Thanks for stopping in! xoxo