Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Life Lately

I've been quiet here. Some days I think I'm done with this blog, other days I think of starting a new blog that better reflects where I am today, and then there are nights like tonight where I yearn to come back here to this old, comfortable friend.

These days I find that everything is different, yet everything is the same. Having Emma's little sister here has brought unimaginable light and joy to my life. I feel like I finally know who I am and what I was created to be. Motherhood is my absolute greatest gift. 

But even in this complete joy, I am changed. Life and its emotions are forever altered. My joy is not like your joy. My joy comes from knowing the other side. There are days when the bitterness, regret, guilt, and grief rise up. The feelings that were my companions for so long. They're still there, under the surface, and they rise up often unexplained and unwelcome.

I am in a constant battle against anxiety, fighting between what is normal and what is the result of knowing the deepest darkness. Each night before bed I check on Lilah, placing my hand on her back so I can feel the rise and fall of her breath. I thank God for my beautiful girl and pray that I get to keep her. Such is the life of a bereaved Mama. Sending you love and light. xo

Friday, March 11, 2016

Mama Bear

Yesterday I was talking with one of my administrators and she used the term Mama Bear. I said yes, I understand about that, and she laughed and said, oh no you don't. Wait until the day that you get that first teacher email that your child has done something wrong.

I know she's right. That the first time I get the bad school report, or a boy breaks L's heart, or she doesn't get the job she wants, that it will be a whole new level of Mama Bear, but part of me was shouting on the inside, "No, you don't get it! NO ONE gets it!" It's absolutely nothing against her or anyone else, but bereaved parents just see the world differently. 

Let me tell you about Mama Bear:

Mama Bear is trying to parent a child who has died. Protecting her memory, making sure people don't forget her or ignore her. Learning to create a life that the child is still a part of, and then hating yourself when it feels like you're forgetting anyway.

Mama Bear is having your Rainbow Baby. Hearing that first cry and knowing that she is your life. That giving her life, love, and happiness is all you need in this world. Protecting her to make sure that nothing hurts her and that your heart will never be shattered again like it was before.

That is Mama Bear.

So future teachers, boyfriends, and bosses, I've got you. I have already survived the unimaginable and me and my girls will be just fine.

Mama Bear level, pro.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Sharing OUR Story

It's been quiet around here lately, especially with posts related to my journey in grief. In fact, I have stopped and started so many posts that I have a huge collection of drafts. I have found that the words do not pour out of me like they did so early on. Sometimes I wish they would. In some ways I wish a piece of that raw grief would return. That may be hard for you to understand, but that raw grief is what let me feel Emma's presence so strongly. Now she feels so far away. Like another lifetime, and as if I was another person. It feels like forgetting and that is oh so hard. Sometimes I think I let this happen. That remembering and feeling is too hard, so I don't. It's moments like this that I am so strongly reminded that grieving the loss of a child is a life long journey. Some days it feels like I am in a constant battle with grief. It has changed it's shape but it still haunts me.

In a few weeks I will be participating as part of a parent panel at a Perinatal Bereavement Conference. The conference attendees will be professionals such as doctors, nurses, doulas, and social workers. The purpose of the panel is for participants to share what worked and what didn't before, during, and after the loss of their child. I am so nervous and afraid for this experience, but I know that it is something I need to do. I need to speak up, to share my story, and to help the mother that will be in my shoes have the best care possible. This is a chance for me and Emma to make a difference in someone's life. It almost feels like a chance to answer a calling. I ask for you to send me your well wishes and prayers. I will be sure to share my experience here after the conference. Sending you love and light. xo

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Why I Want Your Support

Yesterday I joined the networking marketing company Nerium. I am so excited about this opportunity, but given the misconceptions that many people have regarding networking marketing I felt the need to get some things off of my chest.

Yes I am going to post stuff about Nerium. Sorry if it annoys you. Yes I will still post about other stuff too. Sorry if that also annoys you. Sorry if you're just grouchy and easily annoyed. No, I am not running a scam and I don't want to take all of your money and make you join a cult.

Yes I'm being sarcastic, but seriously people, what is the big deal??

I have found an amazing product and company that I believe in. The product works and the opportunities are insane. Who wouldn't want to work with amazing people who lift you up instead of tear you down? With people who believe in you and give you the tools to succeed? With a company that rewards you for your hard work with incentives and bonuses? With a company that could change your family's financial future? With a company where anyone can reach the top regardless of their background?

Network marketing is a business. It is not a traditional business model, but it is a business. Brand Partners are able to earn big incentives because overhead for these companies is so much lower than a traditional business. The money has to go somewhere and it goes to regular people like you and me. People worrying about making a car payment or paying a mortgage. People who want to be able to sign their kids up for dance class, or little league, or theater. Where's the harm in that?

Yes, those in my "upline" make more than I do and have the opportunity to make bonuses off of me. Isn't that how it always works? Does your boss make more than you? If you work hard and bring in business do you get a bonus? Does your boss get a pat on the back and a bonus for training and leading you and your colleagues, thus building up the company and bringing in more income?

HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE: The same opportunities that my upline are getting are open to ME! I can rise as high as I want to. I don't need two degrees behind my name, or to claw my way up the corporate ladder hoping I get picked over the other people fighting me to the top. The levels and promotions are laid out for me and I can decide what my goal is and how I'm going to do it.

So, all I ask is for your support. Don't hate on me because I'm posting about Nerium. Be on the team that encourages me and builds me up. Push me along as I reach for my goals, and if the product and opportunity is not for you then share it with someone who it may be for. Buying my products is not the only way you can support me (although you totally should because they work and you'll be so happy with your glowing youthful skin! ;) ). I have big dreams and I want to change my family's future. In case you don't know any teachers, we have very full hearts and very empty wallets. My household survives on two teacher's salaries and I want more for us. So please just be supportive, and if you can't, then please go drink your haterade somewhere else.