tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86292895305979711162024-03-18T23:26:17.931-04:00On A Butterfly's WingsFinding Beauty in life after loss. Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-19033696910513594362017-08-02T20:24:00.001-04:002017-08-02T20:24:36.994-04:00Do you Know?Do you know it has been four years since our oldest child died?<br />
Do you know I still ache and scream inside?<br />
Do you know I'm still different?<br />
That my life will never be the same?<br />
Do you know that the weight of grief is with me every day?<br />
That there is no going back to before?<br />
Do you know?Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-7871690403478854522016-08-09T06:55:00.000-04:002016-08-09T06:55:21.462-04:00Life LatelyI've been quiet here. Some days I think I'm done with this blog, other days I think of starting a new blog that better reflects where I am today, and then there are nights like tonight where I yearn to come back here to this old, comfortable friend.<br />
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These days I find that everything is different, yet everything is the same. Having Emma's little sister here has brought unimaginable light and joy to my life. I feel like I finally know who I am and what I was created to be. Motherhood is my absolute greatest gift. </div>
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But even in this complete joy, I am changed. Life and its emotions are forever altered. My joy is not like your joy. My joy comes from knowing the other side. There are days when the bitterness, regret, guilt, and grief rise up. The feelings that were my companions for so long. They're still there, under the surface, and they rise up often unexplained and unwelcome.</div>
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I am in a constant battle against anxiety, fighting between what is normal and what is the result of knowing the deepest darkness. Each night before bed I check on Lilah, placing my hand on her back so I can feel the rise and fall of her breath. I thank God for my beautiful girl and pray that I get to keep her. Such is the life of a bereaved Mama. Sending you love and light. xo</div>
Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-16869606905689096642016-03-11T06:00:00.002-05:002016-03-11T08:03:12.745-05:00Mama BearYesterday I was talking with one of my administrators and she used the term Mama Bear. I said yes, I understand about that, and she laughed and said, oh no you don't. Wait until the day that you get that first teacher email that your child has done something wrong.<br>
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I know she's right. That the first time I get the bad school report, or a boy breaks L's heart, or she doesn't get the job she wants, that it will be a whole new level of Mama Bear, but part of me was shouting on the inside, "No, you don't get it! NO ONE gets it!" It's absolutely nothing against her or anyone else, but bereaved parents just see the world differently. <br>
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Let me tell you about Mama Bear:<br>
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Mama Bear is trying to parent a child who has died. Protecting her memory, making sure people don't forget her or ignore her. Learning to create a life that the child is still a part of, and then hating yourself when it feels like you're forgetting anyway.<br>
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Mama Bear is having your Rainbow Baby. Hearing that first cry and knowing that she is your life. That giving her life, love, and happiness is all you need in this world. Protecting her to make sure that nothing hurts her and that your heart will never be shattered again like it was before.<br>
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That is Mama Bear.<br>
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So future teachers, boyfriends, and bosses, I've got you. I have already survived the unimaginable and me and my girls will be just fine.<br>
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Mama Bear level, pro.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-26643483205198876802016-03-03T20:27:00.000-05:002016-03-03T20:27:35.520-05:00Sharing OUR StoryIt's been quiet around here lately, especially with posts related to my journey in grief. In fact, I have stopped and started so many posts that I have a huge collection of drafts. I have found that the words do not pour out of me like they did so early on. Sometimes I wish they would. In some ways I wish a piece of that raw grief would return. That may be hard for you to understand, but that raw grief is what let me feel Emma's presence so strongly. Now she feels so far away. Like another lifetime, and as if I was another person. It feels like forgetting and that is oh so hard. Sometimes I think I let this happen. That remembering and feeling is too hard, so I don't. It's moments like this that I am so strongly reminded that grieving the loss of a child is a life long journey. Some days it feels like I am in a constant battle with grief. It has changed it's shape but it still haunts me.<br />
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In a few weeks I will be participating as part of a parent panel at a Perinatal Bereavement Conference. The conference attendees will be professionals such as doctors, nurses, doulas, and social workers. The purpose of the panel is for participants to share what worked and what didn't before, during, and after the loss of their child. I am so nervous and afraid for this experience, but I know that it is something I need to do. I need to speak up, to share my story, and to help the mother that will be in my shoes have the best care possible. This is a chance for me and Emma to make a difference in someone's life. It almost feels like a chance to answer a calling. I ask for you to send me your well wishes and prayers. I will be sure to share my experience here after the conference. Sending you love and light. xoSarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-74067721205806985942015-08-17T14:59:00.000-04:002015-08-17T14:59:35.051-04:00The Etsy Shop Has Launched! You can now purchase our Endless Love Bracelets on our new Etsy site (click on the shop tab at the top for a direct link)! My goal is to upload new products to the shop every two weeks-sometimes it will just be a restock of current products, and other times I will be introducing brand new products. You can keep up to date with shop news by following us on Facebook and Instagram @onabutterflyswings.<br />
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The Endless Love Bracelet is our charitable cause bracelet, and all proceeds are used to make care packages for other parents of stillborn babies. I donate these care packages to the hospital where our sweet Emma was born. I have ten packages that are heading to the hospital this week thanks to previous Endless Love Bracelet sales.<br />
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Thank you for your love and support!<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-27309121195052525082015-07-12T15:42:00.000-04:002015-07-12T15:42:16.049-04:00I Forgot My PlaceHaving a living child has given me a free pass into the "moms club". I swap baby gadget recommendations, baby food recipes, joys, and frustrations with other moms. I proudly carry my baby on my hip while walking through the store, or coo and giggle with her while we wait patiently in a line. I am one of them.<br />
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Some days it's easy to forget how it was before. When I was a mom, but not in the "moms club". And then there are days and times when it hits, and it hits hard.<br />
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I've been planning to attend a local baby wearing meeting tomorrow. At the meeting there is a whole library of different slings, wraps, and baby carriers that you can try, as well as educators that teach you safe ways to use the carriers with your baby. I'm not sure if you've seen the price of baby carriers, but I'm a big fan of getting a chance to try before I buy.<br />
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Being an introvert, I normally get some anxiety about going into new situations like this. It's hard for me to meet people and make small talk. Being a bereaved mom it's even harder.<br />
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When I first planned to go to the meeting I felt excited about getting some advice and help with ring slings, and even excited at the idea of spending some time with other moms and babies. And then I remembered my place in the mom world. I live on the bereaved mom side, and it can be full of anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. I began thinking about the inevitable questions...is this your first, how many other children do you have, how old are they? I thought about the uncomfortable conversation that starts and ends with, my firstborn daughter died. I thought about the inevitably crunchy moms that will be there sharing their natural birth stories, with talks of delivering at 41 or almost 42 weeks, home births and water births and the like. I thought about all my plans for Emma's birth, waiting and waiting so I could have that natural birth experience, and then I waited too long and she died.<br />
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Going and trying out a ring sling doesn't sound so fun anymore. Maybe all I need is to get these thoughts out and I will feel okay tomorrow. That's the thing with grief, you never really know. Tomorrow when it's time to leave for the meeting is when I'll know how I feel about it. I do stop and think about the mom that has lived through loss and it too afraid to tell someone else, or feels like she doesn't have anyone to talk to. Maybe she's there waiting for me, waiting for me to be brave enough to say those terrible words out loud. And if she's not at the Monday baby wearing meeting then she's out there somewhere in the world. I can't hide out forever, maybe it's time to be brave.<br />
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If you are not a bereaved parent and you are reading this, you may say: you <i>are</i> one of us, we are in this together, we are united by motherhood. And to you I say, I am so thankful you are so naive. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I mean I am so glad you don't know what it's like to be one of me. There will always be a difference. We are both mothers, but I am one kind and you are another. Thank you for not trying to make me be you, thank you for letting me be in my place, while sharing in yours.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-31700386550385579962015-07-11T21:23:00.000-04:002015-07-11T21:23:23.281-04:00Hello, Summer...Wreath!My go-to spring and summer wreath is one that I created with a friend shortly after we lost Emma. I felt the need to create, and the wreath is what came out of it. Actually now that I think about it, I think that making that wreath may have been the start of my craftiness. Creating things, no matter how well they turn out, has become a form of therapy for me. <a href="http://atshirtandpearls.blogspot.com/2013/08/summer-wreath-diy.html">Here</a> is a post from my old blog that shows you the wreath and gives you the tutorial on making it.<br />
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After two years, however, my wreath was looking a little worn, and I decided it was time for a new wreath DIY. Here is this summer's creation. Cute, right?!<br />
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<a href="http://michellewhitlow.typepad.com/24-olive-street/2012/06/summer-wreath.html">This</a> pretty little wreath at <a href="http://michellewhitlow.typepad.com/24-olive-street/">24 Olive Street</a> was my inspiration. I love the bright happy colors and touches of whimsy she used. I added the chipboard "hello" to mine for an extra touch of fun. </div>
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If you want to create a similar look, here is my how-to:</div>
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Materials Needed</div>
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<li>18" grapevine wreath (I got mine at Michael's for $4.99-Don't forget you can use the Michael's app for a 40% off coupon!)</li>
<li>Assorted scrapbooking paper</li>
<li>Twine-I used yellow baker's twine</li>
<li>Mini clothespins</li>
<li>Mini pinwheel-I bought mine pre-made at Michaels. If you're super crafty you can DIY your own.</li>
<li>Wooden skewer for attaching pinwheel</li>
<li>"Hello" chipboard-I found this at Hobby Lobby</li>
<li>Scissors</li>
<li>Hot glue</li>
<li>Spray paint </li>
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Directions</div>
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<li>Use your spray paint to paint "hello" the color you have chosen</li>
<li>Decide on the size of triangles you want for your pennant banner (I used Pages on my computer to create a triangle, since I cannot draw a straight line), make a tracer, and trace your triangles onto the scrapbook paper.</li>
<li>Hot glue the paper triangles to your twine, glue into clothespins, and hot glue to the wreath</li>
<li>Hot glue "hello" and the pinwheel onto the wreath</li>
<li>Make your paper accordion flowers using <a href="http://www.aprettylifeinthesuburbs.com/making-paper-accordion-flowers/">this tutorial</a> and attach to your wreath with hot glue-I used scrapbook paper circles that I cut out for my flower centers</li>
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If I can do it, you definitely can! Of course, looking at the picture of the finished product I see things I would change, but overall I'm pretty happy with this crafty creation! </div>
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Happy summer, friends!</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">This post is not sponsored, I just like shopping at Hobby Lobby and Michaels. ;)</span></div>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-18442481161276274702015-06-24T11:10:00.001-04:002015-06-24T11:10:22.537-04:00Joy and SadnessToday is a day marked by both joy and sadness, as so much of life after loss is, particularly parenting after loss. That becomes our "new normal" doesn't it? Joy and sadness intertwined.<br />
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Today, June 24, is L's seven month birthday, and it is also Emma's due date.<br />
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I feel such joy celebrating L and the seven amazing months that we have had her here. I can't believe it has even been that long already. Every day is better than the last, and although I don't think there is any way I could love her more than I already do, each day I somehow love her more and more.<br />
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But alongside this overwhelming joy, my heart is very heavy. I remember so clearly this date two years ago. I remember sitting in the family room with my hand on my belly, wondering when my labor would start. I wondered if it would be on that day, my due date, or in the days following. I wondered how it would feel when contractions started and how Emma's birth would unfold. But I never got to feel the excitement and anxiety of labor because Emma died in my belly just 8 days later. <br />
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The stretch between Emma's due date and her birthday are hard days. I'm left looking towards this horrible day and knowing there is nothing I can do about it. All of the regrets, guilt, memories, and emotions come rushing back to the surface from where they've been hiding in the deepest parts of my heart and mind.<br />
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I'd like to think that I could spend these next 8 days focusing on the joy and light and love of Emma, and I'll try, but it's oh so hard. All I want to do is go back and change my choices, to schedule my induction sooner (among other things), which means in all likelihood Emma would be here and alive today. But then as I type that I think of my precious, beautiful, joyful Lilah napping upstairs. I know that if Emma were here Lilah would not be, and I get a panicked feeling rising in my throat as I think of life without Lilah. Thus is the paradox of parenting after loss.<br />
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The rational part of my brain fights to take back over, as I pull myself back from the guilt and regret circling around in my mind. It's times like these that I'm thankful I don't have to do this alone. I think of the verse from Psalm 55 that tells us to cast our cares on the Lord. It is so much easier to say: here Lord, please take this, it's too heavy for me. Isn't it?Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-17910368992411617202015-05-29T15:46:00.001-04:002015-05-29T15:46:53.367-04:00MilestonesGrief is a funny thing. Even when life has started on a new path, and there are bright happy days ahead, it still lingers there in the background, waiting to reclaim you. I find that milestones often bring it back, rearing it's ugly head. Some would disagree with my description of grief. Some say grief is love, embrace it. And I agree, it comes because of love, but I would rather feel the love and light for Emma than the aching sadness. It's such a hard balance to find. When I am feeling happy it can be hard because I feel like Emma is distant from me. It is easiest to remember her and feel her when the weight of grief is on my shoulders. Of course, I'd rather be happy than sad though. Does that make sense? Do you feel the way I feel?<br />
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All of these hard heavy feelings and thoughts are starting to swirl around as Emma's second birthday approaches. Two years. How can that be? It's so hard to imagine having a two year old daughter here, especially as I sit here watching my six month old on the monitor as she sleeps. It's so surreal and confusing.<br />
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I also look ahead to our life with Lilah and wonder how it will be parenting both her and Emma. Emma will always be included, and a part of our family, but I also want to make sure that Lilah never feels that she is in Emma's shadow. I guess one look at how Lilah is the center of our hearts and lives, and I don't need to worry about that happening, but then I worry that Emma is not getting enough of my thoughts and attention. Do you see the vicious cycle? I also worry how having a sister in Heaven will be for Lilah. I think about my kindergarten students who talk about their families and brothers and sisters, and I wonder what Lilah will say. Will she say that her sister died? What will the other kids say? Kids can be mean. Will Lilah be "the girl whose sister died"?<br />
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I think I've had my head in the sand a little bit lately. I've been living this amazing life every day and I haven't allowed myself to feel too much grief. I've packed it up, neatly stored it in a box in the back of my mind. I struggle with that. I'm a little too good at compartmentalizing things. Now, with Emma's birthday approaching in a few months the box has torn open a bit, and the sadness is creeping back out, along with guilt for boxing up my grief, and in my mind, Emma, in the first place.<br />
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So many ups and downs and emotions. It's just another day in the life of a bereaved mama.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-84077519218525242062015-03-16T10:54:00.001-04:002015-03-16T10:54:35.875-04:00The First Three MonthsI can't believe that we are approaching Lilah's four month birthday! In some ways her birth seems like forever ago, and in many others it feels like time has flown by. I realize I haven't written anything about her birth or my experiences with her. It's been hard, overwhelming, and absolutely wonderful. <div>
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To be honest it only feels like lately I have fully embraced having her here. I think that probably sounds different than what I mean. I have loved her and been so so thankful for her since the moment she was born, but it was hard for me to believe and feel like she was really ours, to really believe that this is our new normal after living with a different new normal for so long. I feel like recently I have fully awoken into this beautiful new life. It's hard for me to even put into words how much I love her. Sometimes I look at her and cry because she makes my heart so full. </div>
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Parenting after loss has definitely had its unique emotions and challenges. There are the normal fears, emotions, and anxieties that "new moms" feel, but being what I like to call "a second-time, first-time mom" has its own set. I am constantly battling between normal mom worry and insane anxiety. Every little sniffle triggers a worst case scenario in my mind. There have been many times so far when I have to talk myself back down to reality. I also have an intense need to be with her and to care for her. It's hard for me to trust her with anyone else. After Emma's death I struggled with guilt and feelings of failure with myself and my body, and now with Lilah I feel like I want to care for her and protect her at all times. I have this need to make sure that nothing happens on my watch again. Next week I start back to work and she will go to daycare, and I am absolutely heartbroken. I just don't know how I can put her in someone else's care for forty hours a week. Unfortunately, staying home is not a financially viable option for us (at the moment-holding onto hope that one day I can make that happen), so for now I will do what I do best-adapt and thrive. </div>
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Here are some pics (from the hundreds on my phone!) of our sweet baby girl. She is quite juicy but I do think the pictures make her look a little squishier than she is. ;) Lilah loves to talk, smile, and giggle. She has rolled over a few times but still doesn't love tummy time. She is starting to teethe and Sophie the Giraffe is her favorite friend. She sleeps great at night but is not a fan of naps. She is wearing almost all 6 month clothes already! She is our sunshine!</div>
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-60110968015919603912015-02-06T12:46:00.000-05:002015-02-06T12:46:03.526-05:00AcceptanceAcceptance. The supposed "last" stage of grief. I've always disagreed with this. I don't think there is an end point. A point where I'll say: "My daughter died and I'm okay." I just don't get that.<br />
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Today is a hard day. I'm feeling heavy in grief over Emma's death and I'm feeling the anxiety it causes me related to Lilah. Will she be healthy and safe? How can I bear to leave her at daycare in just a month? I feel this intense need to be with her. I guess that's how it is when you have two daughters but you only get to hold one of them. I didn't feel this heavy anxiety early on. I guess it's time to tackle this new stage of grief and motherhood.<br />
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While Lilah is napping I decided to sit down and spend some time on my Bible study, something that I have unfortunately neglected for too long. I opened up my study guide to the next section and the lesson for today is called "Life Unravels Sometimes" and it discusses hard seasons of life and the stages of grief. Whoa. If I ever needed a reminder that God is present and working in my life, here it is. I needed this today. I needed to be reminded that I am still grieving and it's okay. I have a second beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy, but I still get to be a mess sometimes.<br />
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So, as I read in my Bible study book through the five stages of grief, I come to acceptance. I still disagree with the standard definition of acceptance, but today I've looked at it with a new perspective. Here is what I have to say about the fifth stage of grief:<br />
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Acceptance-I understand that Emma is gone and I cannot change that. I accept that I need to create a life where she is not physically present, but is still an active part of our family. I accept that my journey does not end here. I accept that I can have a beautiful, happy life. I accept that I will always grieve and that's okay.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-57061621365738855972015-01-23T14:05:00.000-05:002015-01-23T14:05:15.200-05:00BalanceRecently an inspirational mama, and talented etsy shop owner (check out her beautiful hand stamped pieces <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/TinyTrinketShop">here</a>!), posted a giveaway on Instagram asking which word or Bible verse you would choose to represent 2015 for yourself. The word "balance" immediately came to mind. I have always been someone who struggles with saying no and takes on way more than I should. Having a newborn baby really brought this into perspective. I've realized that I need to cut some things out and find balance in my life. I can't and don't need to do it all, and I want to make sure that what I am doing I am doing well--first and foremost being a wife and mommy.<br />
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Before I started this sacred space for Emma I had another blog, A T-Shirt and Pearls. The more time I put into On A Butterfly's Wings the less I put into A T-Shirt and Pearls. Along with everything else I've committed myself to, managing two blogs was too much. The time factor aside, I didn't have the energy or desire to blog about "trivial" things when I had so much raw aching emotion I needed to work through here. Keeping the word "balance" in mind, I have decided to stop pretending that I plan to write again on A T-Shirt and Pearls, and I will be consolidating everything here onto On A Butterfly's Wings.<br />
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The grief over Emma's death is still real and present, but it is no longer my only identity. My story is changing and growing, and On A Butterfly's Wings will represent that. There will still be posts dealing with grief and sharing about my sweet Emma, but there will be other posts too. Recipes, DIY projects, baby stuff. On A Butterfly's Wings is where I found myself again and I will continue to share myself here. This blog will change as I have changed.<br />
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I hope that you will continue to visit with me here. I hope we can connect whether we're aching, hoping, living, loving, or just having a little fun. Thank you for sharing in my journey. xoxo<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-10727959737225615602015-01-22T16:08:00.000-05:002015-01-22T16:08:45.064-05:00Life LatelyIt's been quite awhile since I have really written on this blog. The third trimester of pregnancy was hard for me. In addition to the physical discomforts, I had a lot of anxiety about Lilah's birth. It is very hard to prepare to give birth to a living child when your only experience is giving birth to a child who has passed away. My coping mechanism was to shut down and cling to what was close and comfortable. Finding the words and sharing them here wasn't something I wanted to do.<br />
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Then came November 24, the day that my bright beautiful rainbow was born. The first few weeks were tough. Really tough. There were the physical aspects of recovering from a c-section and the emotional aspects of getting to know Lilah and learning to mother her, all while feeling the rawness of Emma's death all over again. Not to mention learning how to breastfeed--man that was hard!<br />
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Lilah is now 8 weeks old and I can finally say that I have the hang of things. I love spending my days with her and I love her more and more each day. The fog of the first few weeks has worn off and (most days) I actually feel like this is my life. It's such a strange dichotomy, parenting one child who is living and one who is not. It's hard.<br />
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Here's a picture of Lilah that I took this morning. She has grown so much!<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-48810469036941288652014-12-30T16:06:00.001-05:002014-12-30T16:06:02.040-05:00Lilah Grace!<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdTn82JX0pA8s-3h3L4KGvB9hEXp3t7M1PQiWFpErCDdVsTAX2UNJEKprXMetb_nv4ooyezoPlmeRX9eQfqxSBSQ7snz850yNietg1Nz-GFvg2ef1evEUfsgxz2_zTag9w7PHgmWtkps0/s640/blogger-image-934590579.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdTn82JX0pA8s-3h3L4KGvB9hEXp3t7M1PQiWFpErCDdVsTAX2UNJEKprXMetb_nv4ooyezoPlmeRX9eQfqxSBSQ7snz850yNietg1Nz-GFvg2ef1evEUfsgxz2_zTag9w7PHgmWtkps0/s640/blogger-image-934590579.jpg"></a></div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-6427776982417561232014-10-03T17:24:00.000-04:002014-10-03T17:24:57.684-04:00First Comes Love...One of my Instagram friends, a fellow loss mom, wrote a post this morning that included words to this effect: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then your baby dies…".<br />
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It may sound harsh to some of you, particularly if you are not a bereaved parent, but for me it hit home. This is the reality of my life. There are many days when that reality hits me like a ton of bricks.<br />
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It's hard to even put into words, to help you understand. To others I'm sure I seem "better", "more like my old self", "happy again". Instead I like to think that I'm finally learning to live again, that every day doesn't feel like I am drowning and clawing my way to the surface.<br />
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I don't want to sound like I don't have good days or moments, because I do, but my life is no longer defined in such finite terms…good or bad, sad or happy. How can it be? I am 29 years old and I have a daughter who died. Not: I lost a pregnancy, or I lost the possibility of a baby, or what could have been. My.daughter.died. She was 8 lbs 3.5 ozs, she had dark brown hair, and long legs. Her name was Emma. My husband and I had to make arrangements with the hospital for her body, go to the funeral home, look through a catalog of urns, and plan her funeral.<br />
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It's awful and raw and too terrible for many to imagine, but it is my story. I've lived it and will continue to live it for the rest of my life.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-53497497002895771132014-08-31T16:09:00.000-04:002014-08-31T16:09:11.289-04:00Truths About Pregnancy After LossIt is getting harder as I go. I started off if not positive, at least content. Now the anxiety and grief are becoming more overwhelming. The pain of Emma's death has become more raw again as I look ahead to the birth of this baby.<br />
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I am still jealous of other pregnant women. Most of them are the naively joyful ones. The ones who have not been touched by death. I wish I could be her again.<br />
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I still can't be around other babies. Your living baby reminds me of mine who died. The next baby I will hold or coo over will be my own.<br />
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No matter what I love and want this baby girl more than anything, but that doesn't mean that I am always "excited" or "engaged" in this pregnancy. Sometimes for my sanity I need to power through the day, and that means not spending a lot of energy thinking about being pregnant. That feels horrible to say. It scares me and feels like bad juju, but that's the reality of pregnancy after loss.<br />
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In the same moment, I feel this little girl moving inside me and I get so happy and hopeful and thankful for her precious little beating heart. I am an emotional yo-yo most of the time.<br />
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I am really resentful that I am already a mother but for all intent and purpose I will be a "first-time" mom once this baby is born. Friends and relatives will want to offer advice and give opinions on parenting. When I'm up in the middle of the night with no clue what to do, there will be others out there that will know the answers. I should know the answers, and I'm angry that I don't. To be honest, as of right now I don't want anyone's advice and I'm not going to ask for it. I just can't. I feel like it invalidates me as a mother.<br />
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And most of all, I hope beyond anything and everything, that this time I get to bring a living baby home.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-60903138453765532772014-08-12T14:02:00.000-04:002014-08-12T16:38:40.839-04:00The ShirtThis is the shirt I've decided I need to get made to wear every day for the remainder of my pregnancy:<br />
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Can you tell what kinds of comments and questions I have been getting from random strangers (and some not strangers)? I'm not sure when it became okay to ask or say whatever you want to a pregnant woman, who may be an absolute stranger to you. Rude much?<br />
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Well, rant over, on a positive note we saw our high-risk doctor again this morning. That means we got another peek at baby girl and even got to see her in 4D (basically 3D in real time). She was moving and grooving and (despite the overly large size of my belly in the opinion of some) she was measuring right on track for 23 weeks 3 days gestation, at 1 lb. 5 oz. We got some 3D pictures and I love being able to see her sweet little face. I'm thinking she looks different than Emma. I need to get Emma's 3D ultrasound picture out and compare it to this baby girl.<br />
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For now time has slowed and I'm trying to keep on keeping on. Sending love and light to you mamas. xoxoSarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-29549273638500839582014-07-30T16:57:00.000-04:002014-07-30T16:57:26.004-04:00The First 20ish WeeksI haven't had anything to share on here about my pregnancy so far. I think the main reason is because I have found several wonderful women who are on the same journey that I am. I email or Facebook message with them often, which has been the better way for me to cope with this journey. I've found I'd much rather have a conversation with someone who "gets it" than send my words out into blog-land, where they will perhaps be left unanswered. Also on many days I just have nothing to say. I'm sad about Emma, I'm scared for this baby, I'm confused about the whole thing, and I'm tired of trying to come up with new ways to say that.<br />
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So, here are some <strike>random ramblings</strike> reflections on the first 20ish (I am now 21 1/2) weeks of my pregnancy:<br />
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- I felt a lot more excitement than I anticipated when I found out I was pregnant. I was prepared for immediate fear and anxiety, but I actually felt excited at this chance for new life. We got a positive pregnancy test on April 2, Emma's nine month birthday. It was also the first time of the season that I saw a butterfly. I am hopeful that these things were "signs" that Emma was saying, don't worry you will get to bring this baby home from the hospital.<br />
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- After the initial excitement, I spent most of my first trimester in a state of disbelief. It was very hard to process the thoughts of a new baby along side my grief over Emma, especially when her first birthday was approaching.<br />
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- Getting ultrasounds is hard for me and they really bring up my anxiety. An ultrasound is how we learned that Emma had died and it's hard for me to associate positivity with those appointments.<br />
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- I have had one "is my baby okay?" anxiety attack so far, which led me to the doctor to get a heartbeat check. I won't be surprised if there are more, but I hope that there are not.<br />
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- Of course the real desire is a healthy living baby, but I have to admit that I hoped we would be having another girl. I was so ready to mother a daughter here on Earth, and I hope that with this little girl we will get our chance.<br />
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- Now that my pregnancy is showing I have developed anxiety about going into situations with strangers. There is always some "friendly" person who wants to ask about my pregnancy, and often included is, "is this your first?" Please people, stop asking that question. I understand that you are being friendly and making conversation, but it is not your business and it breaks my heart every time I have to answer your questions.<br />
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- I don't like (and have heard the same from many other PAL, pregnancy after loss, moms) when people tell me: this baby will be okay, this time it will be good, or other such things. It does not comfort me, and all it serves to do is bring up more anxiety when I begin thinking about the reasons that it may not be okay. When your baby dies before birth there is absolutely no "okay" until you have a healthy living baby in your arms. I understand you mean well, but it doesn't help. When PAL moms talk to each other we say things like: hopefully, if this baby lives, God-willing. That's how it is for us now, and it is helpful to talk to someone in real terms, in a way that faces the reality that is our lives.<br />
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- Being pregnant again does not make things okay or better. I still continue to grieve and mourn Emma, and that means that this pregnancy is impacted. Yes, I am trying to be positive and find ways to celebrate this baby as a unique person, but pregnancy is just different now and always will be. If you expect me to face this pregnancy with the blind joy I had last time around, don't hold your breath.<br />
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- Britt and I ordered a onesie (a cute fishing themed one) from Zulily yesterday. It is the first thing we have bought for baby girl. I have been spending time thinking about and planning her nursery, which has been my way of embracing and celebrating this pregnancy so far.<br />
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- Every time I start to get too anxious or negative I tell myself this: If anything happens to this baby it will be for me to deal with then, but for now she is healthy and alive and she deserves my full love and attention no matter how much it scares me. Anything less is not fair to her.<br />
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- These weeks around 20 weeks are hard because I am feeling her movements often, but it is still too early for them to really be in a regular pattern. That means I can't really track her movements yet, so I'm left to enjoy the movements whenever they happen to come. As a result, whenever I am not feeling her move I get scared.<br />
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- As I get closer to delivery being a real possible event I get more anxious. I have been flashing back to Emma's birth a lot and its hard for me to face being in a hospital/birth situation again. Losing your first baby is a unique grief because I have no positive frame of reference. When I think of giving birth all I have is this traumatic experience to reflect on. This has also brought back up a lot of grief over Emma. Britt and I continue to see our grief counselor, and its a good thing we do.<br />
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Well, I guess maybe I had something to say after all. Thanks for "listening". xoxo<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-24751261602836038772014-07-28T10:42:00.000-04:002014-07-28T10:42:40.475-04:00Bracelet Order Tonight!We are opening up bracelet orders tonight at 6 pm EST. I will only be accepting 25 orders for now. If I get them done in enough time before school starts back up then I will take a second order. Please see the "our products" and "ordering information" tabs at the top of our website for more information. Thanks!<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-45358346354744324612014-07-27T18:38:00.000-04:002014-07-27T18:38:22.963-04:00A Statement of FaithThis is a very personal post for me to share. It has been on my heart for awhile, and I've decided its time to finally try and put words to my thoughts.<br />
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I am a Christian. I believe in God and the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I do not believe that "everything happens for a reason".<br />
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I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God was behind each and every moment in our lives, like a puppeteer pulling the strings. I have a wonderful family and have had a great life so far, but I wouldn't say that its been free from adversity. I have had some valleys in my life to get through, and yet those tough moments never tested my belief that "everything happens for a reason". That was until July 2, 2013, when my absolutely perfect healthy daughter died without explanation. Certainly there is not a reason that God would make that choice for my life.<br />
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In the months following Emma's death the questions began to come. My faith and beliefs that I had grown up with were shaken to the core. I questioned everything I ever believed, and I felt like I had to start all over again. I wasn't ready to give up on my faith, and although it wasn't with a truly genuine heart, I began to seek out the word of God. I decided that going through the motions was better than doing nothing at all. I read books, participated in Bible studies, read online articles by Christian authors, and consulted my study Bible.<br />
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Through my time spent studying I developed a new, or perhaps refined, set of beliefs. To be honest, I do not share these things with you to invite discussion or debate. If your beliefs are different I respect that and will not question them. I ask you to do the same for me.<br />
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I believe that sometimes things do happen for a reason. There are cases when God uses circumstances to further his plan for us and the world. There are times when God brings us to a place where we will be forced to return to him and atone for sinful choices and behavior. <br />
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I believe that sometimes things happen that are not at the hand of God. We live in a fallen world. Satan is "the god of this age" (2Co 4:4) and his evil abounds in our world. As a Presbyterian, Satan is not a common topic in our Sunday morning messages, but the proof of his domain is clearly written in the Bible.<br />
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Finally, because we live in a fallen world, there is going to be pain, sorrow, conflict, and suffering. It's not that God chooses every bad thing that happens, but sometimes bad things just happen because that is how the world is. I think many of us go through life thinking that we should be untouchable. That we should be protected from bad things because we are good people. Unfortunately, that is not how life on Earth works. Life is hard. There will be pain and suffering. We have to persevere and make it through. When we get to Heaven is when we will finally have a peaceful pain free existence.<br />
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Now we are left to wonder, what about God's providence? The care and guidance of God in our lives, the belief that things happen because God allows them, though he may not directly cause them. Could God have intervened in Emma's death? I suppose he could have, but again, I choose to believe that the world is a tough place and bad things sometimes just happen.<br />
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I do however believe in God's foreknowledge, that God knows everything before it happens. While bad things will inevitably happen (not necessarily because God "made them happen"), God knows about them ahead of time. I don't imagine God would be taken by surprise, "oh crap, well that happened…". I think that for some people God's foreknowledge allows him to provide that person with intuition that helps prepare them for the bad things that will happen. I have talked to several moms whose children have died who say that they had "signs", feelings, or experiences that hinted at the loss they would suffer. Often times these signs are small things that only are pieced together after the loss.<br />
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I myself think back to the ten months of my pregnancy and wonder about some feelings and experiences I had. Is my broken heart and human mind just grasping to make sense of a senseless tragedy, or was God providing me with the intuition that things were not going to work out? Most days I think it was intuition. I think about the lack of reality I felt during my pregnancy. I remember saying, even at the very end, "I just can't imagine that in a few months, a month, a few weeks that we will have a baby here". I think about how I never got the nesting urge, the motivation to prepare our home for baby. I think about how at my baby shower I sat opening gift upon gift and none of it felt real to me. Like I was on the outside looking in. Was I just an overwhelmed and scared first time parent? Perhaps. I'm sure mothers whose babies come home alive from the hospital have had these feelings too. Or, maybe it was that still small voice letting my mother's intuition tell me that things weren't going to end the way they should. One last moment I think back to was late spring last year, just a few months before Emma was due. In one of our garden beds a big beautiful clump of forget-me-nots appeared. We had not planted them. Sure, a bird could have dropped some seeds. The interesting thing is that the garden bed where they bloomed is the area which would become Emma's memorial butterfly garden. This spring the forget-me-nots did not bloom in her garden. A small clump bloomed on the outside of the barrier to her garden and then they were gone.<br />
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Although God may not cause all bad things to happen, he does promise to be with us and bring good from everything. So whether what happens in our life is by God's hand or not, he is there with us not only to help us through, but to bring beauty from the ashes.<br />
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And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. </div>
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Romans 8:28</div>
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." </div>
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Jeremiah 29:11</div>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-75282159453059804002014-07-17T16:55:00.003-04:002014-07-17T16:55:23.110-04:00It's A...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-37653968926843008932014-07-12T21:27:00.000-04:002014-07-12T21:27:41.608-04:00Emma's First BirthdayOn Wednesday, July 2, 2014 it was Emma's first birthday. In some ways July 2, 2013 feels like decades ago, and in other ways I have trouble believing its been a year since my sweet girl went to Heaven. It's all so strange and surreal.<br />
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In the days leading up to Emma's birthday I had some pretty big meltdowns. The emotion of what was coming was hard to handle. Having all of those strong emotions ahead of time left me feeling strangely peaceful on her actual birthday. My mindset was to focus on Emma as she is to me today, and the ways in which I honor and love her now. I fought hard not to let my mind wander to July 2nd a year ago, to relive and remember what that last day was like before she was born. It is too traumatic and painful, and thankfully my mind does not really let me go back there too much.<br />
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On her birthday Britt was working during the day, which left me on my own. My instinct was to stay in my pajamas all day and curl up on the couch. However, I have some very special friends who asked if they could do something with me on that day. I know that spending time honoring the birthday of your friend's child who has passed away is a hard and probably awkward thing to do, and I am so so grateful that these special women didn't let that stop them from being with me in my time of need. In the end I'm glad I wasn't alone all day. I decided to take pictures throughout the day to record how we spent the day honoring Emma.<br />
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In the morning I went out and spent a little time in Emma's butterfly garden. We have planned on expanding it for awhile now, but haven't yet. It contains black eyed susan's, a butterfly bush that was transplanted from my Grammie's garden, a butterfly feeder, a "you are my sunshine stone" that was given to us after Emma passed away, a solar butterfly light, and a new garden stone that Britt and I made.</div>
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Some of the pretty blossoms on Emma's bush.</div>
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Some of her black eyed susan's.</div>
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Three of my beautiful sweet friends came in the afternoon and brought me <a href="http://www.chuys.com/">Chuy's</a> for lunch. Chuy's is absolutely delicious. If you haven't been please go. I had chicken soft tacos and loads of their amazing chips with salsa and creamy jalapeño dip. During non-pregnant times I love getting a margarita there. They are so delicious! </div>
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They brought a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I loved how bright and happy these sunflowers were. They were just perfect. I have a weird thing now with certain flowers reminding me of funeral flowers, but these were just right. </div>
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They also brought this happy little butterfly wind chime. I hung it next to Emma's wind chime, both of which hang over her garden. I love sitting out there on a breezy day and hearing their songs. </div>
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This was the cake they brought for after lunch. It couldn't have been more perfect. I just love that my girl had her very own birthday cake, and honestly I'm glad I didn't have to go through the heartache of ordering it myself. It was a strawberry cake from <a href="http://www.pearlscupcakeshoppe.com/">Pearl's Cupcake Shoppe</a> and was absolutely delicious.</div>
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I have a serious thing for petit fours, so my sweet friend Lauren also brought these. She may be the one person I know who likes sweets more than me!</div>
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After the girls left, Scooter and I snuggled and napped on the couch until it was time for Britt to get home. I had the perfect combination of time spent with friends and time to decompress and be alone. </div>
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After dinner Britt and I used a kit from Michael's to make a garden stone to be added to Emma's butterfly garden. I wanted something tangible that we could do and then have as a keepsake for how we honored her first birthday. </div>
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Our finished mosaic stone in Emma's garden. </div>
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That evening while out with Scooter I took a picture of Emma's solar butterfly light in her garden. It changes through a bright rainbow of colors. I just love it. It is so bright and happy, and just the thing that a little girl would love to have in her garden. </div>
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A little bit later when I was out with Scooter I caught this moth having a snack at the butterfly bush. I did see several little butterflies during the day, but none that I was able to get a picture of.</div>
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The last part of our day doesn't have a picture, but at 8:56 pm, the time Emma was born, Britt and I lit a candle and each had a slice of her birthday cake. That was the hardest part of the day but also the most meaningful. I am so thankful for my husband and marriage, and the way we have supported each other through this last year. </div>
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All things considered I was very happy with how Emma's birthday was spent. There were hard emotional moments, but also moments of peace. I had wanted to spend the day loving and celebrating my girl, rather than being weighed down with hard heavy grief, and for the most part I was able to do that. Today was the last of the hard first year milestones, as it was this time last July when we had Emma's funeral. Now we begin the year of second anniversaries. I can't believe it. </div>
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My wish is that each of her birthdays will receive this amount of attention and love. As a parent of a child who has passed away, one of your biggest fears is that as time goes on she will be forgotten. For everyone else life continues on, but for us these rituals are all we have of our daughter. So friends, please remember and honor with us, not just in these first few years when its so fresh and new, but always. We are Emma's parents and we love when you support us in parenting her. </div>
<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 153px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 886px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 153px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 886px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 153px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 886px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 153px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 886px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-76834158296804886912014-06-24T12:46:00.001-04:002014-06-24T12:47:32.919-04:00The Due DateToday marks the one year anniversary of Emma's due date. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. In a way I almost feel numb to it, empty. I think that is because in many ways it feels like ten years ago instead of one. I have changed so much in this last year. I can barely remember who I was and how I felt last June 24th. <div><br></div><div>I have also spent a lot of <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">time in my grief learning to focus on the present. I've created ways to mother and honor Emma where I am today, rather than allowing myself to live in the past or project into the future. Because of this it's hard for me to really travel back to a year ago today. I'm not sure that I want to. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">So, I'm left to mark today in a way that feels right for where I am now. I will acknowledge this date for what it is, but I won't allow myself to be consumed by the past. I can't. It's more than just a choice, it's a survival skill. </span></div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-40128575715210528522014-06-16T10:25:00.001-04:002014-06-16T10:25:21.534-04:00Rainbow News<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKcxDejvDT-56_ywOn_UlzbV7htfBreI4snGGa37QkD_7Muyql6KR_Dia7NDf0vy5ygwPte3tbBmfWjB29_XA_Deo6kQ0w-8KD_WNVKqmd-XX-xyy5maKN6HPLGnSCvhZeDYMJzUYdhQo/s1600/announcement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKcxDejvDT-56_ywOn_UlzbV7htfBreI4snGGa37QkD_7Muyql6KR_Dia7NDf0vy5ygwPte3tbBmfWjB29_XA_Deo6kQ0w-8KD_WNVKqmd-XX-xyy5maKN6HPLGnSCvhZeDYMJzUYdhQo/s1600/announcement.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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It's been quiet around here lately. I've had a lot going on and a lot of emotions to deal with, the biggest of which has been navigating pregnancy after loss. We are 15 weeks pregnant with our "rainbow baby" with a due date of December 6, and a plan for scheduled delivery at 38-39 weeks.<br />
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The first trimester was filled with so many emotions: happiness, fear, confusion, and some sadness at times. There is just so much to process on this journey and there is still a long road ahead. I'm sure in time I will be better able to put into words our experience so far.<br />
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For now I can say that we are enjoying this blessing and are remaining cautiously optimistic. Today I am grateful for being a mommy of two (three if you count Scooter, which I do!)Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8629289530597971116.post-6179534112532347612014-04-23T17:51:00.000-04:002014-04-23T17:51:57.184-04:00An Incurable DiseaseThat is what I feel like I have. A gut-wrenching, heart-breaking disease named grief. There is no cure. It does not heal or go away. It does change, however. Take on a new shape.<br />
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Much like an incurable disease, I have to learn to live with my grief, how to mold it to fit into my life. I have to learn the signs and symptoms of a flare-up, and how to best soothe my wounded soul when the aching becomes too much to bear.<br />
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Some days when I think about the future I get such a heavy heart. Yes, I know there will be happier times ahead. That God willing we will have more children, and will someday hear a child's laughter (and cries) in our home, but that doesn't change or take away from <b><i>this</i></b> grief. I will carry the heavy burden of grief over Emma's death <b>every single day for the rest of my life</b>. There are thousands of moments to come that will be filled with: I wonder, I wish, We should be, If only.<br />
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Right now, while this grief is so raw, that is so hard to comprehend. When my mind starts to spin in this way I have to stop and bring myself back to the present. I find it helpful to focus on small short term goals. At this moment I think how happy I am that tomorrow is Thursday and that means the weekend is almost here. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with hubby and puppy, and having an early birthday celebration with Britt, who turns 30 on Monday.<br />
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These small in-the-present moments are what get me through. Otherwise I start to spiral, to think about the years to come when Emma would have been starting kindergarten, graduating high school, going off to college, getting married, having her own children, and my grief begins to compound over and over until I can no longer bear it.<br />
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So, for this evening, I am focusing on the here and now--I'm getting some summer corn chowder on the stove and snuggling with this guy…<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp6taUDVyhBcajP8g9RR0AvFE7tavvlvLVOZu0NN9pN5DEJbC4aDJZ7oeAXvWiO8FifyOr3MbJHIQkcDwizRM2Pg43Tuait_TTFAupIbcriYqGfJDQ3fisRcwdFrvoysDocynaEv6ueZ4/s1600/meetscooter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp6taUDVyhBcajP8g9RR0AvFE7tavvlvLVOZu0NN9pN5DEJbC4aDJZ7oeAXvWiO8FifyOr3MbJHIQkcDwizRM2Pg43Tuait_TTFAupIbcriYqGfJDQ3fisRcwdFrvoysDocynaEv6ueZ4/s1600/meetscooter.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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I guess I never introduced him, huh? We got Scooter (he's a Morkie) in January and its been a wild ride. He is almost five months old and such a love. I had a little experience with dogs and Britt had none, so there was a huge learning curve in the beginning. I'm sorry to say we had many <strike>days</strike> weeks when we thought, what have we done?!?! Now, Scooter is just one of the family. He has brought us back to life a little. He gives us purpose, and lots of snuggles and kisses! A puppy certainly isn't a cure for grief, or right for everyone, but he has been a happy addition to our lives.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05777576105296517804noreply@blogger.com0