As I travel through this journey, something I have dealt with is guilt. No it's not rational, but that's just the way it is. I worry about my choice to have a c-section and the risk that carries for my body in future pregnancies, I hate that we did not get a picture of Britt and I holding Emma (this one is really tough to let go of), I wish we would have taken her hat all the way off to look at her perfect little head instead of just peeking under it to see her hair, I wish we would have asked the hospital to dress her in her going home outfit instead of the outfit they provided. The list goes on and on.
Recently in one of my online support groups a mom was venting a lot of her feelings and guilt, much of which mirrored my own. Someone else left a comment which was the best piece of advice I have gotten so far, be gentle with yourself. This experience is something no one plans for and certainly something no one should ever have to go through. As grieving parents we did the best we could and made the choices that seemed right at the time. That's all we can do. When it comes down to it Emma is happy and at peace in heaven, and she knows that we love her.
From one grieving mom to another I give you permission to be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. We all did the best we could in the absolute worst of situations. We love our babies to the moon and back and would have done anything to save them. That has to be enough.